Thursday, January 5, 2012

Weird and shameful eating habits.

weigh in 209.8

I had a wonderful Birthday yesterday. I am up a bit from yesterdays weigh in but its ok. I had dinner late and it was a maintain calorie allottment kind of day. My dad took me out for my birthday and it was great. : )
       This morning while I was browsing the 3FC threads I noticed one about eating habits. I thought to myself lol of course we all have these. Then I was reading the responses and realized how abnormal they are and if your an overweight person you probly have a few weird things you do with food. So this will start my next few articles on eating habits. Shameful ones and self control ones. The good the bad and the ugly.

The first one that I could relate to was hiding food.

I know personally I used to hide food. I used to wait till everyone was asleep and then go in the cupboard and grab snacks and sweets I had been pretending not to eat. i didnt do it often but I did it.  I also had stuff stashed around my room.  I remember doing things like stuffing food in my mouth while looking through the fridge and then coming out of the fridge with a yogurt. so everyone just thought i got a yogurt. I could keep going for a while but why do we do these things? Why do we feel we have to hide it? Why do we rebel and who am I rebelling from?

   For me I did it because, I felt I was entitled to it but, I didnt want to hear anyone else telling me I wasnt. Almost every meal I could remember my mom saying jeese thats enough. Im sure it wasnt actually every meal. it just feels that way.  She never cussed me out or anything. My mom was just concerned. and with good reason from the age of about 15-22 i went from 130-255.  wich also coincides with there divorce. hmmm another thing to look at in the future.
        Anyways from about 15 on I would get comments like, "Oh you have such a pretty face." or "You have such pretty eyes."  or another time my grandma told me, "you have such a beautiful personality and face but if you dont get skinny you wont find anyone to love you." Wont say wich grandma. but i dont feel hurt about it today. Those comments made me feel like I didnt want anyone to love me.  "If they cant love me unconditionally then I dont want it."  So i would eat whatever I wanted. I didnt care. I would sneek when I knew someone would say something. I would be up late and sneak it and be very quiet because I knew it wasnt normal to stay up so you could eat. If my mom woke up she would tell me its not normal and unhealthy.  So in alot of ways my weight gain was shield as well. I didnt want to fall in love with someone who would leave me but at the same time I desperately wanted to be loved. Ridiculous. I made some bad choices with the opposite sex and I couldnt accept love.  I convinced myself that I didnt deserve very much wich led to some low lifes in my past.
Some reasons for the feeling to sneak food-
 1. Hurt

2. Guilt

3. Anger

4. Shame

5. Lonely

6. Anxiety

7. Self-hate

8. Disappointment

9. Emptiness

10. Deprivation
I found this list on another blog and I felt it fits perfect. If you would like to take a look at the article i found it in click here.

What Has helped me? How have I begun to overcome?

I dont know if this will help anyone else but if it does then its worth saying. I am in control of myself today and I still have slip ups but for me it doesnt help me when someone else reminds me "you shouldnt eat that cookie" so i have made it clear to my family and close friends that if you see me having a "treat" let me enjoy it.  If you see me "over doing it" feel free to say a comment. but dont pester me because it makes me feel really low and if im binging im already low. I havent binged in a long time. But many of my binges would start out with a look from someone that said "do YOU really need that?" wich would then make me feel entitled so id have alot of it and anything else that i "needed".

My sister has found a great way of being supportive as well as my darling fiance--- This situation goes  kind of like this-

I have a cookie or treat I am eating
My fiance/sis says ooh yum a treat!
If I start to go over board they say a comment like, "Ooh you really saved for this one"
and if im cheating calorie wise I may lie and say I planned it in my calories and didnt but it really snaps me back to where i need to be. And these are things I have ok'd them to say like Ive told them it helped me when you did this....

Ive also found that I need to love myself for who I am. I need to be in control of myself and be responsible for my actions. when I slip up I look at it, admit it, and analyze it for it to benefit me for the next time.

hope this helps. : )

What some ways that you have found help you overcome these feelings of emotional eating?

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