Wednesday, November 16, 2011

The fear of losing the weight...


Keep the cupcake? Or lose it?

weigh in 217.5
2 days non smoker


       So this morning I weighed myself. I couldnt take it I felt like I was hiding from myself and not facing the fact that I had cheated. Its quite riciculous the way my mind thinks alot. Wich led me to read an article about the fear of losing the weight.  It is said that the fear is what causes much of our reoccuring cycles of success/failure then success then failure. The whole yoyo dieting may come from this as well.  There are so many reasons we can fear losing our weight.


  • Some of us have never been thin- so we may have fear of the unknown
  • We might have a fear of doors opening to new opertunities?
  • We could possibly have a fear of having to work harder with no excuses?
  • We might have a low self esteem?
  • We might have gone through some severe childhood psychological trauma?
  • We wont have our fat as a safety blanket/barrier?
  • We wont have our fat to defend us and our excuses?
  • Do we deserve to be skinny?
  • What if Im still unhappy after I lose the weight?
  • Losing weight means raising your expectations and means a chance for failure.
  • Getting comfortable at the weightloss you have acheived since the beginning.
  • Making the decision to lose weight may also mean making other hard decisions. 


        I have personally been going from 216-219 for the last 7 weeks! why?  Well I think its a combination of all these.  I cant remember ever being happy with my body. I have had moments of wow this looks good because its hiding all the right places, but Ive never truly thought I looked great in something. I have used my weight in so many cases to sabotage myself from new oppurtunities.  Its an excuse to hold myself back.  I have used my weight as an excuse so many times. I cant even count. I know I have had times where i thoght maybe im not able to do soemthing then I decide i cant because of my weight.  I have moments of high and low self esteem. I seem to be able to empower others but not my self.  So why do I deserve this? My fat and my weight is definetly a safety blanket of comfort in so many ways! Its all I have known all I can remember. I can remember pictures of a skinny little girl but i cant remember ever actually being skinny. i have always thought i was fat. I can remember from the beginning of my memory me as fat.  Me getting told thats enough dont eat anymore. Or Jessica are you really hungry? Honey dont you think you have had enough? Everyone says I was the good one.  Sure I was rebelled with food not with much else.  My sister is beautiful skinny and perfect. Im not perfect how do I deserve to be this way?  Why do I even deserve to be skinny and healthy?  I have some crazy insecurities and sadnesses. What if when I lose the weight everything wont be perfect like I imagine it.   When i look into the future at the "Skinny Jessica" (this may sound stupid) I see paradise. A perfect life no problems, no worries.   Consciously I know this is B.S. and impossible. Of course i will still have problems and a normal life. But "skinny" is a dream for me and my "dream" is perfect. "The grass is always greener on the other side."
               
Whats the reality and the truth?

The truth and reality is simple! Keep your eyes on the prize and be realistic.  Rome wasnt built in a day. I have underlying insecurities and problems. Those arent going to go away overnight either. What are ways we can improve on ourselves inside and out? Well for me I have been going to therapy. Its not for crazy people only.  Its for everyone really.  In therapy I cleanse and work myself out on the inside.  In eating right and working out I cleanse myself outside and lose weight. Another thing you must do is face it. Im afraid of getting to 199 im afraid of being some one ive never known.  I have to look at it though. I will still be me just thinner.  I also think that my weight determines meating genuine vs. judging people.  Since Im fat if they like me obviously there a good person and not judgemental and they'd be a good friend. HAHA! not true rude and messed up people like fat people to. All in all I have to realise that change is good. Nothing stays the same so why not make it the change I want?
Today I am aware of my fear and I am willing to make the change. I hope that I am reminded constantly of my shortcomings so that I may improve myself.

MAKE YOUR DECISION!

As for me today I make my PROCLAMATIONS TO MYSELF:

I DO HAVE THE POWER TO DO TO STICK TO MY GOALS!
 IM BACK ON PLAN DAY 3 AND GOING STRONG.
I AM THE CHANGE I WANT TO BE IN THE WORLD
I AM LOOKING AND MOLDING MYSELF INSIDE AND OUT
GODWILLING I WILL MAKE IT TO MY GOALS
I DO DESERVE THE BEST SO I WILL FIGHT FOR IT
A WALL IS SOMETHING TO CLIMB OVER NOT TO STOP ME

Whats your proclamtion to yourself?

2 comments:

  1. Nice proclamation! You brought tears to my eyes. xoxo

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  2. Thank you so much cousin! Im trying and working hard. Trying to stay as honest as possible with myself. : )

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